Gregorific is under siege. At least I’m pretty sure. My impression may have to do with that in Sunday School my kids are learning about the plagues. Or it could be that gregorific exudes a certain reptilian or insectile charm. Neither option is appealing. Either way: Eeeps! Take cover. 

First Plague: Climbing Mouse
I covered this one in a previous post. My dog succeeded in treeing a mouse. At the perfect moment, I glanced three feet over and saw the nervy mouse swinging in the breeze directly at my nose level. Eeeks! 

Second Plague: Angry Yellow Jacket
I am outraged by this one. So mad. I have to wait to explain this plague. Because the $%#^^$#^ bee stung my baby. My fists clench as I type this. Hang on a sec- I have to go hammer something. Back in a bit--

Third Plague: Curvy Snake

My daughter and I were loaded down with supplies after a Girl Scout meeting. Just outside the church door was an itty bitty snake. Many girls had already walked past but the snake came out just then.  Perfect timing to completely freak out gregorific and all gregorific crew members.  It was curved into a very distinct shape. If only I knew how to interpret its message maybe I would be able to make some sense of this onslaught of plagues. Possibly it means, ‘You’re screwed’. (I’m told this is a baby rattlesnake.) 

Fourth Plague: Chef Frog

This morning: Half asleep, I stumble into the kitchen hoping for a pot of coffee to be magically already made and steaming. A leaf blows away from my foot. Wait. A leaf? In my kitchen? I squint at the dusty floor. It’s not a leaf. It’s a FROG! In my kitchen! What the--?

I yelp. I exclaim. I shout. I holler. I scream for Mr. Gregorific. He arrives in time to scoop the bugger up right as it tries to hop into my kitchen floor vent! And the absolute worst:

Mr. Gregorific says: “Oh no, that’s not your home anymore.”
Anymore! HOME?
No to the no, no, no. A frog lives in my kitchen vent? I pulled off the vent while shielding my face. It’s okay, people. The coating of dust and lint and unidentifiable particulates was undisturbed-- no frog flipper prints. It was just jumping into the nearest, darkest hole to escape my husband’s darting hand.
We put it outside. It sat there with hair and dirt on it- from my floors. The shame and horror is not as deep as the relief.
My dog stayed asleep on the couch the entire time. Like, ‘Oh, that? Yeah, that’s our frog.’ 

You are probably wondering what kind of horrible housekeeper gregorific is- and you’d be well justified in those wonderings. Gregorific is not keen on housecleaning. When I cannot avoid it any longer, I crank up the tunes and get busy scrubbing, vacuuming- you know the boring old drill. There is an inverse relationship between my writing and my house’s cleanliness. If it’s a messy hovel then my writing is going awesome! If it’s clean- you know I’m running dry. Luckily my house is never clean! Hooray for gregorific! Boooo for gregorific’s crew who has to put up with stacks of this, piles of that, and pawing through laundry in the morning hoping for a matching sock. Keep hoping! Mismatches build character!

What plague will be next?

Hopefully a publishing plague, or a lottery win plague, a perfect weather plague, a chocolate galore plague… 

Okay, so a plague can be a good thing. Let’s keep thinking that. The plague’s half full, people. Half full.

Hiding out,
gregorific

The Bliss and Blues of Motherhood

One of the joys of living in a college town (PSU) is the amount of research studies you can be a part of-- I’m not kidding. It all depends on what you’re willing to do and for how much. Story of our lives, right?

If you sign up for the pistachio study, then you get to eat pistachios for every meal- and they provide the meals for weeks at a time! Talk about cutting down your grocery budget! But you have to pick up the food from campus in a cooler every day. But they pay you a couple hundred dollars. Hmmmmm.

There is a similar study about avocados. They will provide you every meal. Like a celebrity! This is so tempting to me. Plus, I love avocados.

Another study where they pay you to participate involves a steady video taken of you driving. They fasten cameras to your car interior and exterior. Road Rage? Fender Bender and cell phones? Texting? Hand eye coordination? Your guess is as good as mine on what they are studying with this test. For five hundred dollars how much do you need to know? Hmmmmm.

Now, some studies have caveats that you have to “qualify.” This could mean several blood draws, or putting your hand in cold, cold water (no joke), or having a certain BMI. They are looking for women in their childbearing years, or people with diabetes,  or people with infertility, or people with weight issues. Or people with all those things. (Geez, Sorry!)

This school does a lot of studies! It’s neat being on the edge of such curious and innovative research.

Once or twice I have taken the plunge and participated in a study.

One I really enjoyed was called The Bliss and Blues of Motherhood. I don’t talk about my kids very much on my blog because I want to respect their privacy. It would be TOO easy to entertain you with their hilarious quotes and cute-isms. But gregorific is about writing, thinking, and reading. And anything that affects those three passions.

But this specific study gave me great insight and tools to move through my day with better grace and more peace of mind. It helped focus my ‘conscientious living.’ The Bliss and Blues of Motherhood--what a great title.

So they called me five times a day on a phone that they provided and they asked me many questions. The call lasted 5-8 minutes each time. On the back of the phone was a rating scale. The calls went something like this:

What have you been doing since we last spoke?

Were the kids there? Who? What were their moods?

What is your mood now?

[Here is where I say from 1-5 how I feel. 5 is super great like double coupon day. 1 is baby’s diaper blows out in the grocery store on your-coupons-are-all-expired-day.]

What is the best thing that happened in the last two hours? What is the worst thing? On a scale of 1-5 how good was the best thing? Same scale: how bad was the worst thing?

How tired do you feel? (1-5)

Have you been around any other adults?

Okay! So you see what they were getting at, right? I mean as a blind research subject I do not know their hypothesis or anything. But I believe I ate out of their hands for this study.

I LOVED having someone call me every two hours and ask how I was feeling. I loved thinking about the best and worst thing that had happened. And then reflecting on what made a meaningful interaction in my day.

That scale on the back of the phone was intriguing. Throughout the day the phone would be in my pocket. My finger would run along the scale:

1 = Sour milk spill in the house but can’t find where it is. Just know it smells BAD.

2 = Fell asleep during nap time- felt like a bad mom.

3 = Went to the park. Kid fell and scraped knee. (middle zone mood)

4 = Kitchen is clean; read book with funny voices to kid. Kid thought I was hilarious. Felt awesome.

5 = Playdate: Kids played beautifully with no arguments and friends got to chat and compliment each other.

It’s been a while since I participated in that study. I have yet to see a report or article about it. I hope they are still doing it. Even as a community service J to moms. We are overlooked as part of the workforce, population, and cultural influence. If we weren’t so busy raising our kids we could do something about that.

Well, my challenge is this: Take a pretend ratings phone with you throughout your day. Find out the worst and the best and then put it into perspective. Maybe you’ll find a pattern you didn’t see until you looked. Maybe you can get rid of those low ratings and swerve up. Hey, maybe you’ll write a study on it.

Always Thinkin’,

~gregorific

My heartfelt apologies! I know you missed me! Dry your tears; I’m baaaaaack.

So much has been happening! You will be happy to hear another one of my short stories has been accepted for publication and…it is a finalist in a small contest and will appear in a printed collection of short stories. It is called "Recipe for Rest" and I will post deets on how to see/buy it soon.

Can I get a woot?

I’m sorry but I love that question. I want to cup my hands around my mouth and Let. It. Out.

Sometimes I do. And people look at me. Sometimes I apologize for my childish humor and impulses. Other times I just keep asking for a woot. It’s free/it’s easy/give it to me.

Oh no, you didn’t! Yes, I did.

Can you tell I talk to myself a lot?

It is a weird encouragement that my darker short stories and poems have been more appreciated by the literati than anything else. I guess I should keep talking to myself.

I will be sure to link the book when it comes out. Until then, I will leave you with a more detailed report on…me.

UPDATE on GREGORIFIC: because you care.

Things I bought on impulse: a ninja costume. No joke. It will arrive to my door in 2-3 days. After that- watch out- my moves are stealth.  Okay, I admit, it’s for my daughter.

Things I messed up: My pot for boiling corn by letting my kids make a huge mud stew in it. And then leaving it outside for a month. Who knew? I need a new pot.

Things I rocked: Entering enough competitions and contests to finally be a finalist and then place in one. Also, getting a number of full manuscript requests for my YA novel this month. Baby steps ya’ll!

How overextended I am: Not too bad. Medium.

How productive I am with the time that I have: Extremely.

Pat. On. Back.

Am I listening to enough music? Yes.

Tell me more: (This is so you can click and enjoy on your own.)

"Sensitive Kid" by Cold War Kids http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YzSeKo6IYgY&playnext=1&list=PL59599BE989F32663&feature=results_video

"Daughter" by Loudon Wainwright III http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lVam-fshUgw

"Just a Game" by Birdy http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gQVlZ-q7xHs

"Ain’t Got No" by Nina Simone http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CyBB-Zdk4z4

"The Next Girl" by The Black Keys http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x_PrT25o8Vs&noredirect=1

Am I reading enough? NO.

Books I have loved this month:
Matched by Ally Condie ~ Awesome. 
Crossed by Ally Condie ~ Extra Awesome
When Good People Write Bad Sentences by Robert Harris ~ Learned a lot but it felt patronizing. 
The Kitchen House by Kathleen Grisson ~ Sobbed into the wee hours of the night. Read if you have plenty of Kleenex. 
Just Listen by Sarah Dessen ~ Loved it. Just my style.

Oh! By the way:
THANK YOU. FOR BEING YOU. 

WOOT!

~gregorific

In Memory

Today is a day to remember the attacks of September 11, 2001. My thoughts and prayers go out to those who lost loved ones. Here is a poem that captures my thoughts on this day. It is from the Judaism Prayerbook:

We Remember Them…

In the rising of the sun and in its going down,
We remember them;

In the blowing of the wind and in the chill of winter,
We remember them;

In the opening of buds and in the warmth of summer,
We remember them;


In the rustling of leaves and the beauty of autumn,
We remember them;

In the beginning of the year and when it ends,
We remember them;

When we are weary and in need of strength,
We remember them;

When we are lost and sick at heart,
We remember them;

When we have joys we yearn to share,
We remember them;

So long as we live, they too shall live
For they are now a part of us as
We remember them.

from Gates of Prayer,
Judaism Prayerbook

To me, the above picture is the epitome of hilarity. 
Enjoy.
~gregorific

Here's a quote. You'll roll your eyes. But then you'll sit there lost in unexpected revelation.
I used to think that everything was just being funny but now I don't know. I mean, how can you tell?
Andy Warhol